March on, my life, with might!

Let's talk about Deborah and Jael, heroes of Judges 4 and 5.

Deborah was a prophet. Her leadership was recognized by Israel. The Israelites came to her to settle disputes and receive her advice. That's really cool! These days, it should be normal to have women in leadership roles and to seek their advice, but for ancient times this is radical and extraordinary. We don't know her age or whether she had children. It's not important to her story.
In most English translations, Judges 4:4 says that Deborah was the wife of Lappidoth. But that's not exactly what the Hebrew says. Consider this:

In Judges 4:4, Deborah is identified as a “woman of lappidoth” (eshet lappidot). In patriarchal societies, such as those in Bible times, women are typically identified by their relationship to a man, usually a father or husband, although some can be identified by their hometown. So “woman of lappidoth” may mean that Deborah was the wife of a man called Lappidoth or that she was from a town called Lappidoth. Aside from the reference in Judges 4:4, however, no person or place is called Lappidoth in the Bible. 

There is a third way of interpreting “woman of lappidoth.” Rather than being a proper noun, lappidot in Judges 4:4 could be the plural of lappid, a word usually translated as “torches” elsewhere in the Old Testament, including the book of Judges where the word occurs in two fiery and fierce situations (Judg. 7:16, 20; 15:4-5). Did Deborah have a fiery or fierce personality? Does eshet lappidot mean “fiery lady”? 

Lappid can also refer to lightning flashes (e.g., Exod. 20:18). This has led a few scholars and rabbis to suggest that Deborah was a “woman of splendours”.Whatever the precise meaning of eshet lappidot, Deborah was a splendid woman. We see this in the song recorded in Judges 5 where Deborah is described as a matriarch, a “mother in Israel,” who had the support of the princes of Israel (Judg. 5:7, 15). She was a formidable woman and much appreciated by her people (from Marg Mowczko).

After we are introduced to this influential woman, Deborah sends Barak, the leader of Israel's army, a telling message. "Hasn't the Lord, Israel's God, issued you a command?" She reiterates the plan that Barak has maybe not yet started acting upon. She knows the command that the Lord has issued because she is a prophet. She probably gave him the initial word from the Lord. And now, because Barak hesitated, Deborah prophecies that "the Lord will hand over Sisera to a woman." Is Deborah claiming the honor for herself? I guess we'll have to find out. They march out. Barak and Deborah. What a team. This team defeats the 900 chariots in the army of Sisera and all of their soldiers.

However, Sisera escapes on foot. He reaches the tent of Jael, who is married to a man named Heber. This is important because Heber is a Kenite. Heber's family is at peace with Sisera and King Jabin, but their family is also descended from Moses' father-in-law.

Jael invites Sisera in, gives him some milk, and allows him to rest in her tent with the promise of safety. He asks her to stand at the door and tell no one he is there. He trusts her, and falls asleep. Once he is asleep, she drives a tent peg into his head. Surprise! Jael is the woman of whom Deborah prophesied!

Because of this decisive victory, King Jabin of Canaan was defeated completely and there were forty years of peace in Israel.

Wow. That's an intense story. There are many ways to interpret it. Here's a few possibilities:

• Women should not have access to tent pegs. What a dangerous weapon. Poor Sisera!
• Men should not drink milk and take naps in other people's homes. There may be an evil woman such as Jael lurking nearby.
• Deborah was only leading because Barak was a coward.
• Lappidoth and Heber should control their wives. These women should not be leaders.

Thankfully, we do not interpret scripture this way. Let's continue on to Judges 5. The full text is to the right for your reference. If you're on mobile, select view web version at the bottom of the page. All scripture is taken from the Common English Bible (CEB).

This is the song of Deborah and Barak. This is not a historical retelling of events, this is the interpretation of events told by the victors after the battle.
This song begins, ends, and is filled to the brim with praising the Lord, who is given the honor for this win in battle. This battle isn't about giving honor to Barak, Deborah, or Jael. It's about giving the glory to God.

In verse 7, we are introduced to Deborah again, arising as a leader, as a mother in Israel. Before you say, "She isn't called a leader!" please remember how much you love your mother. Yes, mothers are leaders. Plus, the scripture has already called Deborah a prophet and a judge or leader. This is a a term of respect used to describe Deborah.

In verse 12, we see a call for both Deborah and Barak to rise up, sing, capture, and march against the enemy warriors. The next several stanzas are a beautiful call for the tribes of Israel to join Deborah in the fight, some answer the call, and some do not. In verse 20, we see the stars fighting the battle with Israel against Sisera. Even the Kishon river advances to fight. Clearly there is some poetic license taken to describe the battle. But it seems clear that there was some divine intervention to flood the battle plain and give Israel victory.

Now here is my favorite part. You may have read the earlier account with a measure of disgust when it came to the story of Jael. How could she just murder a man like that? Her husband was at peace with Sisera! But Israel doesn't want us to interpret the story that way. What Jael did may have been misguided or selfish, we don't know why she did it. But we know that she was acting on the side of Israel. Regardless of why she did what she did, the response of Israel is of rejoicing and blessing (see verse 24). Her actions helped bring about forty years of peace. When was the last time your actions brought an end to oppression? I am definitely not advocating for murder, by the way. Just pointing out how Jael is praised for her trickery because of what it brought about.

Women stand out in this story for several reasons: Their scarcity, their strength, and their value. There aren't any other female judges or leaders of Israel. We have a few other female prophets, like Miriam and Huldah, but Deborah is the only judge/leader. This does not mean we should keep female leaders to a minimum. In Deborah's song, we see the strength of Jael's hand celebrated. We see Deborah's advice sought to settle disputes. We see Deborah march into battle with Barak, at his request. These women are strong. They are women of valor. And we see a celebration of these women. Their victories are lauded and applauded. God worked through these women to achieve great things. Let us celebrate them for it.

March on, my friends; and with might fight against oppression!

Other valuable resources:
https://jwa.org/encyclopedia/article/deborah-bible
https://margmowczko.com/deborah-and-the-no-available-men-argument/

Why Seminary?

This past weekend we lost a woman of valor- Rachel Held Evans. Now, I didn't know her personally, I hadn't even read her books yet (I'm halfway through Searching for Sunday now), but I have been deeply impacted by her ministry. So many tributes to her life and work (see #prayforRHE and #becauseofRHE on Twitter) have reminded all of us to speak gratitude and encouragement to those who impact us daily. However, with these positive and loving memories, we have also seen so many who use other's grief to promote their own theology and attack Rachel's memory. I would encourage you to ignore them. This is a season to mourn.

Oddly enough, I didn't cry when I read the news of her passing. I cried later, with heaving sobs, as I read #becauseofRHE. To read so many stories of women, women of color, queer folks, and others who have been welcomed and loved through her work, that was what registered the pain in my soul. I place myself among them. I too, have felt alienated by the evangelical church. I too, am a doubt-filled believer, and I too, choose Christ above the church. I place my faith in an unfailing God.

#BecauseofRHE is a space for those impacted by her work to share that impact and grieve together. There are always strong leaders, people we look up to and follow after in their footsteps. My recent wonderings have led me in and out of doubt, searching, and an insatiable desire to learn more of God. This has led me to enrolling in Denver Seminary's online Masters of Divinity program, beginning in Fall 2019.

When I first started researching seminary, it was actually with the desire to prove others wrong. I wanted to learn more scripture to fight back against those who disagree with me on various theological points. The truth is, that would be a waste of time. They will believe what they believe, it's not up to me to change minds or hearts. I want to go to seminary to get closer to God, to gain a better understanding of the Word. I want to hear from God and from others who seek truth.

I know what I believe about God. And I'm tired of others telling me what to believe. I want to read it for myself. The scriptures are accessible to us for this reason. I'm tired of the way church is done for the sake of tradition. The gospels speak of love, acceptance, and inclusion of the marginalized. I want to fight for those who can't fight or don't have the platform to fight for themselves. I recognize my privilege as a white woman who has grown up in the evangelical movement. I want to use my privilege to fight for others. Let's start listening.

Listen to women of color, people of color, queer folks, indigenous peoples, non-western Christians, non-evangelical Christians, non-Christians. And listen carefully. What they have to say is important.

Grace and Peace in the Silence

Yesterday was Good Friday. Jesus was crucified. His body was laid in the tomb. Today, Saturday, we can only wait. Imagine how it was for his friends and family on that Saturday 2000 years ago. They didn't know what the next morning would hold. They only knew the silence of God.

How could they be comforted, knowing that Jesus was dead. They knew he was God, they knew he was important. So how could this have been allowed to happen? Did they have the hope that we now have?

When hard things happen to us, it's very easy to say, things will get better. Sunday is coming! But we can't always know that Sunday will dawn. On our Saturdays, sometimes all we can do is wait. If it hadn't been the Sabbath, the women would have gone to dress Jesus body sooner. They wouldn't have waited for Sunday morning if God hadn't commanded Saturday to be set aside as holy. So that Saturday was set apart from the creation of the world for silence and for waiting.

What day is it for you? Are you in the midst of suffering, or watching someone you love suffer? Are you rejoicing in the resurrection, knowing full well that God keeps his promises? Or is it Saturday for you? Trying to remember God's promises, wanting to do something, anything to make Friday better. Waiting for a miracle.

Staying Put

Is life simply about searching?

Some of us search for happiness, contentment, joy. And we all have a very different idea of what that looks like. It's like at every stage of life, we are yearning for the next stage. Because we know that next thing will make everything better. What about where you are right now? Why can't you be happy here?

Living in Germany has been different than I anticipated. Not harder, just different. I knew it would be harder to keep up with friends who live in the US. I knew teaching would stretch me. I knew I would want to be around family more than I am. So what's different?

Well, I am. When I moved to Germany with a one-way ticket, I was 21. I thought I had it all together. I mean, I'm great at making friends! I know German, so the culture won't be difficult to adjust to, right? Almost 3 years later, I realize just how clueless I was.

Year One: I lived by myself in a small apartment outside of town. No car, no one I knew around. It was a 25 minute walk from work. My neighbors gave me rides to and from school, but that was it. Any other time of day, I had to find my own way around. Since I didn't know many people, I stayed at my apartment and didn't do much. I did a lot of school work. And my neighbors gave me a standing invitation to dinner, so I had people within walking distance to spend time with. I actually didn't realize how quiet it was until I was in the US that summer. I was staying with friends. They actually asked why I was so quiet. Anyone who knew me before Germany knew that I am energetic, upbeat, creative, etc. But no one in Germany had that picture of me. They saw me as quiet, reserved, introverted. Now, there's nothing wrong with any of that, but it's not me. 

Year Two: New house, new roommates. Time to start over. I know who I am, now it's time to show the world. Not exactly. October 13, everything kind of fell apart. And by that, I mean me. I was taking a driving test (never a great thing for me) to drive a school van for a field trip the next Tuesday. I failed miserably. I had only driven one another standard before, so it was a bit of a jump to try a 9 passenger van. Invincible me realized that I just couldn't do it all. Looking back, it wasn't actually a big deal, I had another driver available to help. I still felt like a failure. Work was piling up. With 5 classes, I had no time to grade at school, and my evenings were consumed by it. The field trip itself was awesome! I passed most of the work off to chaperones, and I just got Starbucks for everyone as a Thank You.

The next two months were hell. And I don't say that lightly. I broke down in tears nearly daily. At school, at church, in my room at night, at dinner with my roommates. No matter how much I worked, I just couldn't catch up. And there were constant reminders that I wasn't getting it done. I gave up sleeping to finish grades at the end of the quarter. I picked up other negative habits to cope with the stress. I asked the school to find someone else to take some of my classes. My patience with my students was so thin, they knew something was up. In my course evaluations, they knew that I was frustrated. What broke me yet again, is that they thought I hated them. I just needed a break. I did take a long weekend off. But I used it exclusively to grade. No rest.

The last week of December, a colleague finally stepped in to teach German 1 for me. I visited my family at Christmas, and I finally felt a ray of hope again. I could get through this year, but that would be it. I'm done teaching afterwards.

After Christmas, I adjusted to a new normal. Three classes instead of five, giving me space to grade at school, and take some much needed rest. I started counseling. My parents came to visit over Spring Break! I wasn't okay, but I was better. By that time, I even decided to give teaching another go. I will not give up in defeat! There's no way next year can be this bad, right? Besides, I have community here, now. Friends I can turn to and rely on. I want to be a part of life here still.

Year Three: New house, one roommate. I'm still in the midst of this year, so I haven't processed everything yet. It's amazing how different it all feels. I live in town, I know most people, I work a lot, and I make time for relaxation. I think after three years of just hoping things will change, it's time to make some change happen.

So I'm staying put. Whatever it is I'm searching for, God will provide it in his timing. Wherever I am. For now, he's not done with me or BFA, and I'm not done with BFA.

It's amazing how looking back gives you such a clear picture of the future. I was just rereading my blog posts and prayer journals from when I first moved to Germany. It was so easy to shake my head at past me. "You have no idea what's coming, do you? Poor thing." And the funny thing is, I don't wish it never happened. I wouldn't be me without it. It gives me hope for future me. What would she shake her head about current me? What things are in store for me in the next two years? Who cares? I've got an awesome Savior to walk through it all with me.

High School Retreat

Here is a summary of the 4 sessions at retreat by speaker Lina Abujamra:

Session 1: What I wish I had known about my shame (John 4) The Woman at the Well

-Shame is felt by everyone
-the easiest way to cope with shame is to hide
- the only way to overcome shame is to let Jesus take it
-freedom is contagious

Lina shared the story of Jesus' conversation with the woman at the well. She shared stories of her work as a Pediatric ER doctor.

Session 2: What you cannot afford to miss (John 13) Judas Iscariot

-There's a Judas in every group
-you can fool everyone around you into thinking you believe- don't fool yourself as well!
-you can give your whole life away and gain nothing when you value the wrong thing
-you can become so hopeless that you see no way out

We looked at the story of Judas and how he rejected the grace offered to him

Session 3: What my failure teaches me (John 18) Simon Peter

-My failure hurts and it's okay to admit it
-My failure shows who I am/diagnoses my true heart condition
-My failure is my pathway to breakthrough- failure will not destroy us
-God uses my failure to redirect my calling
-My failure is part of my past and my future is waiting to happen

Session 4: 4 Things I dream for You (John 11) Mary and Martha and Lazarus

-Never confuse God's delays with his denials. Waiting is the space that God grows your trust.
-Refuse to settle for doubt when faith is in your grasp.
-Risk moving the stone away. No matter how foolish it seems, you don't have to have all the answers.
-Live a life of extravagant worship all the time.