Is life simply about searching?
Some of us search for happiness, contentment, joy. And we all have a very different idea of what that looks like. It's like at every stage of life, we are yearning for the next stage. Because we know that next thing will make everything better. What about where you are right now? Why can't you be happy here?
Living in Germany has been different than I anticipated. Not harder, just different. I knew it would be harder to keep up with friends who live in the US. I knew teaching would stretch me. I knew I would want to be around family more than I am. So what's different?
Well, I am. When I moved to Germany with a one-way ticket, I was 21. I thought I had it all together. I mean, I'm great at making friends! I know German, so the culture won't be difficult to adjust to, right? Almost 3 years later, I realize just how clueless I was.
Year One: I lived by myself in a small apartment outside of town. No car, no one I knew around. It was a 25 minute walk from work. My neighbors gave me rides to and from school, but that was it. Any other time of day, I had to find my own way around. Since I didn't know many people, I stayed at my apartment and didn't do much. I did a lot of school work. And my neighbors gave me a standing invitation to dinner, so I had people within walking distance to spend time with. I actually didn't realize how quiet it was until I was in the US that summer. I was staying with friends. They actually asked why I was so quiet. Anyone who knew me before Germany knew that I am energetic, upbeat, creative, etc. But no one in Germany had that picture of me. They saw me as quiet, reserved, introverted. Now, there's nothing wrong with any of that, but it's not me.
Year Two: New house, new roommates. Time to start over. I know who I am, now it's time to show the world. Not exactly. October 13, everything kind of fell apart. And by that, I mean me. I was taking a driving test (never a great thing for me) to drive a school van for a field trip the next Tuesday. I failed miserably. I had only driven one another standard before, so it was a bit of a jump to try a 9 passenger van. Invincible me realized that I just couldn't do it all. Looking back, it wasn't actually a big deal, I had another driver available to help. I still felt like a failure. Work was piling up. With 5 classes, I had no time to grade at school, and my evenings were consumed by it. The field trip itself was awesome! I passed most of the work off to chaperones, and I just got Starbucks for everyone as a Thank You.
The next two months were hell. And I don't say that lightly. I broke down in tears nearly daily. At school, at church, in my room at night, at dinner with my roommates. No matter how much I worked, I just couldn't catch up. And there were constant reminders that I wasn't getting it done. I gave up sleeping to finish grades at the end of the quarter. I picked up other negative habits to cope with the stress. I asked the school to find someone else to take some of my classes. My patience with my students was so thin, they knew something was up. In my course evaluations, they knew that I was frustrated. What broke me yet again, is that they thought I hated them. I just needed a break. I did take a long weekend off. But I used it exclusively to grade. No rest.
The last week of December, a colleague finally stepped in to teach German 1 for me. I visited my family at Christmas, and I finally felt a ray of hope again. I could get through this year, but that would be it. I'm done teaching afterwards.
After Christmas, I adjusted to a new normal. Three classes instead of five, giving me space to grade at school, and take some much needed rest. I started counseling. My parents came to visit over Spring Break! I wasn't okay, but I was better. By that time, I even decided to give teaching another go. I will not give up in defeat! There's no way next year can be this bad, right? Besides, I have community here, now. Friends I can turn to and rely on. I want to be a part of life here still.
Year Three: New house, one roommate. I'm still in the midst of this year, so I haven't processed everything yet. It's amazing how different it all feels. I live in town, I know most people, I work a lot, and I make time for relaxation. I think after three years of just hoping things will change, it's time to make some change happen.
So I'm staying put. Whatever it is I'm searching for, God will provide it in his timing. Wherever I am. For now, he's not done with me or BFA, and I'm not done with BFA.
It's amazing how looking back gives you such a clear picture of the future. I was just rereading my blog posts and prayer journals from when I first moved to Germany. It was so easy to shake my head at past me. "You have no idea what's coming, do you? Poor thing." And the funny thing is, I don't wish it never happened. I wouldn't be me without it. It gives me hope for future me. What would she shake her head about current me? What things are in store for me in the next two years? Who cares? I've got an awesome Savior to walk through it all with me.
