What do you fear?

As I was journaling last night, I asked myself that question. I don't mean What are you scared of, like spiders or heights. What is the deepest fear you have, perhaps so deep you can't even admit it, because saying it out loud might somehow give it that power over you? Of course such a fear may be too personal to share, especially to post on the internet. But think about it. Once you know what you truly fear above all else, you can look at why. Why does that scare you so much? For me, looking at the reason shows me what I truly value and love in this life.
Here is an example: I fear losing control. Though it's not my deepest, most painful fear, it still has a great hold over me. I fear losing control over my mind, faculties, and actions. Even losing control over small situations is very frustrating. Perhaps that's why I'm competitive. Obviously this shows that I value my control highly. And yet, part of my faith in God means giving up control over my own life, my decisions. Because when I told God, "Here I am, send me!" I meant it. My life is not my own.
That being said, I have to find a balance between giving up control in the big picture, while still remaining in control of the smaller things. After all, self-control is one of the fruits of the Spirit.

One thing I haven't minded (much) losing control of this semester was my schedule. In fact, the days when I didn't care about time have been the most relaxing and rewarding of my entire life. Sometimes this just means leaving my phone and any other timepiece at home, hopping on my bike and riding around. When I get tired of that, I'll pull out some homework or a book. When I get hungry, I'll eat. Try this sometime when you have a whole day free. You'll feel so very free.
Or when we traveled to Rome. It was difficult, but when I put my phone down, (I was using my phone as a map) we got to see so much more of the city. We didn't plan out every moment of every hour of the day. We found out the general direction of something, and we walked there. This often meant ending up somewhere else. The point of it was to enjoy the journey.