Grace and Peace in the Silence

Yesterday was Good Friday. Jesus was crucified. His body was laid in the tomb. Today, Saturday, we can only wait. Imagine how it was for his friends and family on that Saturday 2000 years ago. They didn't know what the next morning would hold. They only knew the silence of God.

How could they be comforted, knowing that Jesus was dead. They knew he was God, they knew he was important. So how could this have been allowed to happen? Did they have the hope that we now have?

When hard things happen to us, it's very easy to say, things will get better. Sunday is coming! But we can't always know that Sunday will dawn. On our Saturdays, sometimes all we can do is wait. If it hadn't been the Sabbath, the women would have gone to dress Jesus body sooner. They wouldn't have waited for Sunday morning if God hadn't commanded Saturday to be set aside as holy. So that Saturday was set apart from the creation of the world for silence and for waiting.

What day is it for you? Are you in the midst of suffering, or watching someone you love suffer? Are you rejoicing in the resurrection, knowing full well that God keeps his promises? Or is it Saturday for you? Trying to remember God's promises, wanting to do something, anything to make Friday better. Waiting for a miracle.

Staying Put

Is life simply about searching?

Some of us search for happiness, contentment, joy. And we all have a very different idea of what that looks like. It's like at every stage of life, we are yearning for the next stage. Because we know that next thing will make everything better. What about where you are right now? Why can't you be happy here?

Living in Germany has been different than I anticipated. Not harder, just different. I knew it would be harder to keep up with friends who live in the US. I knew teaching would stretch me. I knew I would want to be around family more than I am. So what's different?

Well, I am. When I moved to Germany with a one-way ticket, I was 21. I thought I had it all together. I mean, I'm great at making friends! I know German, so the culture won't be difficult to adjust to, right? Almost 3 years later, I realize just how clueless I was.

Year One: I lived by myself in a small apartment outside of town. No car, no one I knew around. It was a 25 minute walk from work. My neighbors gave me rides to and from school, but that was it. Any other time of day, I had to find my own way around. Since I didn't know many people, I stayed at my apartment and didn't do much. I did a lot of school work. And my neighbors gave me a standing invitation to dinner, so I had people within walking distance to spend time with. I actually didn't realize how quiet it was until I was in the US that summer. I was staying with friends. They actually asked why I was so quiet. Anyone who knew me before Germany knew that I am energetic, upbeat, creative, etc. But no one in Germany had that picture of me. They saw me as quiet, reserved, introverted. Now, there's nothing wrong with any of that, but it's not me. 

Year Two: New house, new roommates. Time to start over. I know who I am, now it's time to show the world. Not exactly. October 13, everything kind of fell apart. And by that, I mean me. I was taking a driving test (never a great thing for me) to drive a school van for a field trip the next Tuesday. I failed miserably. I had only driven one another standard before, so it was a bit of a jump to try a 9 passenger van. Invincible me realized that I just couldn't do it all. Looking back, it wasn't actually a big deal, I had another driver available to help. I still felt like a failure. Work was piling up. With 5 classes, I had no time to grade at school, and my evenings were consumed by it. The field trip itself was awesome! I passed most of the work off to chaperones, and I just got Starbucks for everyone as a Thank You.

The next two months were hell. And I don't say that lightly. I broke down in tears nearly daily. At school, at church, in my room at night, at dinner with my roommates. No matter how much I worked, I just couldn't catch up. And there were constant reminders that I wasn't getting it done. I gave up sleeping to finish grades at the end of the quarter. I picked up other negative habits to cope with the stress. I asked the school to find someone else to take some of my classes. My patience with my students was so thin, they knew something was up. In my course evaluations, they knew that I was frustrated. What broke me yet again, is that they thought I hated them. I just needed a break. I did take a long weekend off. But I used it exclusively to grade. No rest.

The last week of December, a colleague finally stepped in to teach German 1 for me. I visited my family at Christmas, and I finally felt a ray of hope again. I could get through this year, but that would be it. I'm done teaching afterwards.

After Christmas, I adjusted to a new normal. Three classes instead of five, giving me space to grade at school, and take some much needed rest. I started counseling. My parents came to visit over Spring Break! I wasn't okay, but I was better. By that time, I even decided to give teaching another go. I will not give up in defeat! There's no way next year can be this bad, right? Besides, I have community here, now. Friends I can turn to and rely on. I want to be a part of life here still.

Year Three: New house, one roommate. I'm still in the midst of this year, so I haven't processed everything yet. It's amazing how different it all feels. I live in town, I know most people, I work a lot, and I make time for relaxation. I think after three years of just hoping things will change, it's time to make some change happen.

So I'm staying put. Whatever it is I'm searching for, God will provide it in his timing. Wherever I am. For now, he's not done with me or BFA, and I'm not done with BFA.

It's amazing how looking back gives you such a clear picture of the future. I was just rereading my blog posts and prayer journals from when I first moved to Germany. It was so easy to shake my head at past me. "You have no idea what's coming, do you? Poor thing." And the funny thing is, I don't wish it never happened. I wouldn't be me without it. It gives me hope for future me. What would she shake her head about current me? What things are in store for me in the next two years? Who cares? I've got an awesome Savior to walk through it all with me.

High School Retreat

Here is a summary of the 4 sessions at retreat by speaker Lina Abujamra:

Session 1: What I wish I had known about my shame (John 4) The Woman at the Well

-Shame is felt by everyone
-the easiest way to cope with shame is to hide
- the only way to overcome shame is to let Jesus take it
-freedom is contagious

Lina shared the story of Jesus' conversation with the woman at the well. She shared stories of her work as a Pediatric ER doctor.

Session 2: What you cannot afford to miss (John 13) Judas Iscariot

-There's a Judas in every group
-you can fool everyone around you into thinking you believe- don't fool yourself as well!
-you can give your whole life away and gain nothing when you value the wrong thing
-you can become so hopeless that you see no way out

We looked at the story of Judas and how he rejected the grace offered to him

Session 3: What my failure teaches me (John 18) Simon Peter

-My failure hurts and it's okay to admit it
-My failure shows who I am/diagnoses my true heart condition
-My failure is my pathway to breakthrough- failure will not destroy us
-God uses my failure to redirect my calling
-My failure is part of my past and my future is waiting to happen

Session 4: 4 Things I dream for You (John 11) Mary and Martha and Lazarus

-Never confuse God's delays with his denials. Waiting is the space that God grows your trust.
-Refuse to settle for doubt when faith is in your grasp.
-Risk moving the stone away. No matter how foolish it seems, you don't have to have all the answers.
-Live a life of extravagant worship all the time.

Challenging Students' Views

I work at a Christian high school. I would be naive to believe my students somehow all share the same beliefs. But I too was a Christian in high school, and my beliefs have changed and matured since then. Part of my mission in serving at this high school is to challenge these students to see the world differently than they have before, or differently than they have been taught. Today I shared this TED talk with a group of them.

Dylan Marron is someone whose political views and lifestyle are very different that what my students are used to. If they are different than yours, watch this with an open mind: What Dylan has to say, regardless of his political opinions, is true. I believe this, and respect him. The respect that he has for those who speak ill of him is admirable.

Here are the questions I challenged my students with and now challenge you:

1. How do you respond to people who disagree with you?

   - In person?

   - Online?

Is there a difference? Why?

2. How would (do you) respond to online negativity or bullying?

3. "Empathy is not endorsement." What does he mean? How could this talk change someone's perspective?

4. Which person's response is the most Christ-like?

A New View

I just finished moving into a new apartment.There's still unpacking to do, but here are a few pictures of the new space!

This is the view from outside. That big window is in my entryway.

My front door!

Bathroom. Not much more to say there.

The kitchen is recently redone, but it lacks storage space, so I'll be looking to add some more shelving. Pardon the mess!

One of my favorite features is this deep window sill! This is my roommate's room, so I hope she doesn't mind! You can see the fire station outside.

I still need somewhere to store the blankets, but here is a little sitting area flooded with natural light.

My bedroom, complete with twinkle lights!

Hope you enjoyed the virtual tour! Come and visit anytime. My current location is only a three minute walk from school! I'm excited for the adventures to come in my new home.

Let me know if you'd like my new address!

Arise and Share in the Father's Joy

This week we have chapel every morning, as opposed to only Fridays. We have a guest speaker and worship band visiting us, for what we call Spiritual Emphasis Week. The speaker and band leader are both graduates of BFA, so they can relate well to our students. The speaker, Andi, has taken our theme, Arise, and daily shared through the scriptures what that means. On Tuesday he encouraged us to look again at the parable of the Prodigal, in Luke 15. How many sons are in the story? The younger brother gets all the attention, because he seemingly does the more horrible thing. "Dad, I wish you weren't here. Give me the stuff that I'll get when you die. Give it to me now." When he works up the courage to return, he plans to earn his way back. "Make me a hired servant in your house." But the older brother actually does something similar. When the younger returns, the older refuses to feast with everyone. He is mad that his Dad killed the fattened calf, which belongs to him! Because he too received his inheritance, he sees his brother returning as a threat to that inheritance. "Now that brother is back, that means I get less stuff!" So he is also saying to his father, "I don't want you here. I want the stuff you own." And this brother is not reconciled to the father. Jesus ends the story there, as though to ask his listeners, the Pharisees, will you come in? I am already eating with the younger brother, the tax collectors and sinners, and you're invited as well. Will you join with us?

The church I attend, Calvary Chapel Kandertal, is in need of a worship leader. Up until last week, we were listening to and singing along with YouTube worship songs. Last Sunday, I, my roommate Emily, and a BFA student, led live worship for the growing church. We plan to do so again this coming week. I really just had fun with this. We're singing songs in German and in English, I'm trying to choose songs that people already know, or can figure out quickly, but my goal is really to find worship that reflects the glory of God and fits well with the message that Pastor Frank brings. Please pray for me as I choose worship songs, pray for the team as we practice, and for God to raise up a permanent worship leader!

I ask that you also pray for the child of some of my dear friends here. His name is Broden. He is only 9 months old, and has been in the hospital since Saturday. The doctors believe there may be neurological problems, but all tests thus far have been inconclusive. Here is the most recent update from his parents, Lauren and Adam: "Broden Update #4: We are so thankful that an MRI has been scheduled for this coming Friday. In the meantime, we will remain in the hospital. We are hoping and praying that this test will reveal the issue so further action can be taken. They have also taken additional blood and urine samples in order to test for additional abnormalities. Please especially pray for us on Friday as Broden will be put under anesthesia for the MRI. Please also pray that results will determine the underlying cause for all of his issues. Thank you all for your love, support and prayers!"

4 weeks later...

Are you ever driving, when you suddenly look at the speedometer and realize you're going 90 mph? You ease off the gas pedal until you return to a normal speed. Or you slam on the brakes when you see a state trooper waiting a 1/4 mile ahead.
This summer was that moment for me. Except I realized I was driving 100 mph with my eyes closed. Don't worry, this is a metaphor. Once I had a chance to stop, rest, and reflect this summer, the magnitude of my busyness swept past me at an alarming speed. Here at BFA, we often say that the first year of service is like drinking from a fire hose. So much information and responsibility is thrown at you for so long, it starts to feel normal. This summer, my supply of busyness was abruptly cut off, and it was then that I realized how busy I had been.
Don't get me wrong, it was a great summer. Reconnecting with churches, supporters, family, and friends. Not your typical summer vacation. But there were so many moments of peace and rest. Here are a few:

Boston with Clare and Emily, roommates and besties from Wheaton. Both have recently moved to Boston, which is only a seven hour drive from Rochester, so of course I had to go and visit. We wandered the Liberty trail, showed Clare her first Fife and Drum Corps, attempted to avoid the many tourists, and cooked a delightful dinner together in Emily's apartment, above a horse barn.

Ocean view in Plymouth, MA with Naomi, Rachel (cousins), Dad, and Anna. My parents and sister actually joined me for this trip to Boston, and stayed with family in the area. I've flown over the Atlantic recently, but haven't stuck my toes in it for some time. It's cold!

Babysitting Faith's darling twins. These cuties were born last November, so I had not yet had a chance to meet them. So I volunteered to watch them while Faith worked! Spent some fun time in the pool with their big brother, as well.

Quick overnight stop in Pittsburgh with Anna and Katie! Anna and I drove out to Wheaton for two weeks, but Pittsburgh is (kind of) on the way, so we stopped there for the night. Katie was in the same study abroad program as me in Munich two years ago. It was wonderful to see her again!

Exploring Chicago with Emily and Abbie. This day was rather impromptu (from my perspective) since I was invited to tag along that morning. But thank you both so much for including me! We visited the Museum of Mexican Art, found a cozy bookshop, and ate amazing Puerto Rican food.

Dreams coming true: seeing Hamilton, courtesy of Xander and Abbie. I still can't believe that happened. Go and buy your own tickets! Now!

Hiking in Stony Brook State Park (NY) with Sarah and Andrew. Picnicking and hiking go hand in hand. Plus, I miss the amazing river gorges of New York State. Perfect Saturday activity.

Salvatore's pizza with Josh, a random Appalachian mountain man. (Just kidding, he's my cousin.) Josh has been hiking the Appalachian trail for a few months, and he was about 4 hours away, so he decided to hop on a bus and meet us in Rochester! This was less than 24 hours before I left for Germany.

By no means did I take pictures with everyone. This is just a sampling of the many people who made the summer a restful and successful one. Thank you for the love and care you showed me!

Now that I'm back, it's time to slam on the gas, and go full speed ahead!

All the 2017-2018 BFA staff.